I was born on Mother’s Day. It was a cruel twist, it was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my mother. With each high power above, I quickly pushed myself away in order to save myself from stress, and when I was born, I was trapped in the incubator. Glass walls separated the two of us. We could see each other, but that mother yard was too late.
My mother was the opponent of a Tiger parent — the Asian ideology that all my friends had. But she was the “pleasant” mother. We would spend the nights watching the movies and eating salted chicken eggs until my grandmother invited me into her room. My mother was just a parent at night, disappearing in the morning until she felt the pain of living with me again. Sometimes there are days in between our relationships. Then it becomes prayers. Those weeks became months. I didn’t expect the years to come anytime soon.
Young women often looked at their mothers when they first saw female strength. The years I longed for her love and approval, I hesitated to give another woman the much -desired place of “pictures.” But I put that energy into the unfortunate male heroes I loved so much, like Kurt Cobains and Anthony Kiedises. This hatred in myself and anyone like me or my mother that has covered me up, makes me feel guilty. I forced myself to join the pop stars of my childhood like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera, and the closest thing I got to the show was seeing the parade of by Daughters Harajuku and Gwen Stefani. While I always hold these women in my heart, I am always looking for a woman I can look up to. Sure, I have my grandmothers, but I want that anonymous and personal bond between me and a popstar – someone who doesn’t see my flaws or my pain.
2018 was the last time I had a full conversation with my mom. I almost lost my voice in crying and wailing, the wooden door of my room separating us like that incubator I wanted to hold back in at that moment. As I was trying to gather the remaining memories of the honor I had left behind, a friend sent me RINA, the 2017 EP by British-Japanese singer Rina Sawayama. Just like the sound, when one door is closed, another door flies wide.
Below the external product of RINA It’s a testament to my deepest passions, as he talked about the Asian presence in pop songs on “Take Me As I Am” and the guilt that comes with taking antidepressants in “10-20-40.” For the first time in my life, I really felt like a child I had never met. By the time I was in my 20s, I thought I understood what I thought was white supremacy: out of curiosity about a celebrity, you printed pieces of yourself on top of each other. them. Rina Sawayama is the Asian popstar I never knew could survive. For a moment, I saw myself.
On Mother’s Day, 24 years after I was born, I went to Brooklyn Steel with my head down. It was better for me to face the media posts, but I forced myself out of the safety of my home to go on the first of the last three days of Sawayama’s trip to New York. I had previously bought tickets to celebrate my 22nd birthday, but the illness had other plans. If there is one thing that will get me out of bed, it is Rina Sawayama.
On the train ride there, I find myself constantly checking my phone, wondering if I should text masochistically to my mom to wish her a good day. I almost forgot that I changed her name from “Mommy” to her first name on my phone, which is not taboo, since we haven’t talked since our fight four years ago. I deserved to have this knowledge within the confines of the Brooklyn Steel cold plant and industry. This is where I saw Arca and SOPHIE go, two other photos that helped me navigate my queerness. Tonight, however, I felt as if I was there with a divine purpose: to heal my motherly problems. I think it’s healthy for everyone to experience deception at some point.
The rest of the night was dark as I went face to face with Sawayama in the photo booth, his hard eyes looking back at me with each pounding click. When he launched the debut song “Dynasty” from his amazing 2020 debut SAWAYAMA, hearing hundreds of people sing, “I am a chief / The pain of my roots is an heir,” which brought me back in fact. we are all over he needs it now.
A very low and strong lightning ran through the field that night. Sawayama’s reign took place on the stage with the grace of the style of flight and the intensity of a rock star. The hard synths and drums of “Akasaka Sad” shook the floor as Sawayama shifted between his heart vibrato and suppressed sounds like a baby telling the story of his parents. alien trapped in a terrifying world. The slow development of “Cyber Stockholm Syndrome” has exploded to a euphoric high. The Sawayama musician has a passion for every note, as his drummer adds a new and interesting depth to this collection. It’s hard to see a good oil machine that is a work of Rina Sawayama compared to the chaos of my beloved punks and metal bands I’m so used to watching. Seeing Sawayama’s ingenuity expressed in each memo, the movement of the dance and the change of costumes is amazing.
Stay with SAWAYAMA for the two years leading up to this divine time it has taken a lot of attention. Sawayama was more than this music god I had ever held close to. We worked on this problem together because of dealing with the struggles of our parents as strangers and the pain they inflicted. It is an unjust responsibility placed upon us to break these circles, but it is a common knowledge among generations of children like us that we are opening up. Above all, SAWAYAMA taught me that it is good to let go of everything and set aside time for myself not only to hurt, but to rejoice in everything around me.
In the crowd at Brooklyn Steel, Sawayama sat down with his band to play a song called “Chosen Family.” With telephone lights illuminating the stage and voices singing, “What if it’s not the same? / We went through the same pain, “I remember all the things I lost as I mourned the loss of my relationship with my mother. I remember my grandmother going to every student, and my high school classmates who accompanied me when I went to school after I had a problem one day.I thought about the online friends I wanted to have. happy birthday and the teachers who encouraged me.Where my mother did not go, a village entered.
I left the show that night with the light on me. Rina Sawayama gave me the gift of childhood wonder, even though I thought I could see myself as someone other than my mother. She taught me that I am a part of everything I meet. There is a part of me that will always be with my mother, if she doesnʻt know.
It’s Jade Gomez AttachmentMusic editor, mother dog, lover of Southern rap music and passionate about vocabulary. He had no impulse control and he bought vinyl so he was too scared to play with it or the stickers would never stick. You can follow him Twitter.